The Mess: 4.5.22

I have been awake

Since 5 AM.

No reason why.

I just slayed there,

Drifting in and out of consciousness;

Drifting in and out of a dream.

In my dream,

I saw someone I haven't thought about

Since high school?

Maybe even before that.

No reason for any of this,

Maybe it's a sign

That I should reach out,

Maybe it's my subconscious

Trying to tell me something.

There is no way to be certain of anything.

I sure as hell, will not reach out.

I am confused by my dreams,

Shifting between horrors,

And surreal "memories"

Of people I knew in the past.

This weather has thrown me

Through a loop.

I've been depressed

Cause all of my plans get canceled.

My friends are busy,

And it's left me alone,

Going nowhere,

Stuck spinning my wheels.

Burning energy and effort,

To accomplish nothing.

I look out the window yesterday

And the world is covered

In a frozen white layer.

Today, I see a rain storm.

I bet its fucking cold,

The kind of cold that goes

Straight to the bone

Chilling you to your core.

Fuck you for trying to go any where

Fuck you for trying to enjoy

This so-called life.

I feel miserable

I feel unlovable

I feel unwanted

I feel like a piece of shit

Above all else.

Here I am alone,

Trying to create in a vacuum.

No one around to bounce an idea off,

Or ask advice.

Trying to trust your instincts,

When you are depressed

When you feel stuck

When you cannot stand

The sound of your own voice,

Is getting me no where fast.

But what options do I have?

Creation like a compulsion,

Does not have an off switch,

It does not make sense.

Somehow I thought

Doing twice as much this month

Was a good idea.

The last two months I have released

One song per month.

For April, I am doing two.

They are linked by theme,

And yet fairly different.

Both are angry, real cathartic,

Both need to be good.

I think they are,

But I do not trust my judgement.

I have never really trusted y judgement.

That little voice in my head,

Has always been the loudest in the room.

I just have to go for it,

I just have to finish these songs,

And I need to release them.

Move on to the next one,

Keep pushing forward.

Do not stop,

Never stop.