The Mess: 4.19.22

Ok so I missed another entry

But this time it was NOT my fault.

Full stop.

The hosting service I use for this

Was down and I could not write

Even if I wanted to,

Which I did.

This just furthers the notion that

I should have these written

Well in advance.

Schedule the posts so I never miss.

I got a tarot deck yesterday,

And while I consider myself a skeptic

I think there may be some value in it.

I did a simple one card draw

This morning

And it told me something new will be key to my day.

I am always on the look out for the next thing

A new tv show

A new movie,

A new way of thinking,

And really for me,

The tarot,

Or mysticism in general

Is very different for me.

I am still skeptical

I think that is just my nature,

But maybe, just maybe

I can change?

I really do not know.

I do not believe in any religious thing

It has always felt too exclusionary for me

Too much like a cult to feel comfortable

But I want to believe in something,

I just do not know what that may be.

Maybe this is my thing?

Maybe my thing is something totally different.

But I am looking for it.

Searching for it.

Christians have it so easy,

Indoctrinated from birth

So they literally do not know any other way to think

They know no other way to live.

I hate that aspect,

But at least they have something they believe in;

That is more than I can say.

I don't believe in other people,

Because I don't believe in myself.

This is my own complex,

But if I cannot talk about it here,

Where else can I talk about it,

That won't cost me $200 an hour?

Sure this whole exercise can be seen as masturbatory,

But is it any different than using

Social media to present an image of yourself

Make your life seem more glamorous than it is.

This may be the opposite

Maybe I am making it seem much worse than it is,

Or maybe I am just telling it like I see it.

The world may never know.