The Mess: 3.31

This is a follow up of sorts

To my post from 3.24.

One week ago,

I wrote about

My desire and hesitance

To listen to music

Because of a fucking girl.

Well I am here to report

That I listened to The Rite of Spring

And it is the closest

That Orchestral music has and will ever get

To Punk Rock.

Th piece is filled with pounding drums

And power chords.

The difference is that

They are played by violins, violas, cellos and bass.

Those pounding drums

Are timpani, and other various percussion.

But more importantly

Than enjoying the music,

I did not even think about her.

And now I realize

That I may be

Unconsciously avoiding things

Out of fear.

Like a little bitch.

Like a scared little boy

Afraid of getting hurt.

Not like I haven't been hurt before,

No reason for it to hold me back now.

And yet I fear that it may have.

Well no longer!

I recently heard the line;

"I am what I love, not who loves me"

And I feel that it really illustrates

Exactly this feeling, that I am trying to describe.

Oddly enough,

I have been hearing that line

For almost a decade

In Fall Out Boy's song

Save Rock and Roll.

They just change the pronouns

(I think they are pronouns, I am no grammar expert).

Yet it made a deeper impact

When spoken by Nicholas Cage

To Nicholas Cage, in the movie

Adaptation.

In which Cage plays twin brothers,

One a successful screenwriter, who is facing writer's block,

The other, and overly positive aspiring screenwriter.

Clearly Fall Out Boy are movie buffs.

The point being,

You never know when something

Will resonate or not.

Maybe I am evolving,

But I want more Rite of Spring in my life,

I certainly want more Spring like weather in my life.

It's been so fucking cold.

Goddamnit.

I have gotten off track.

I want more experimental music,

I want that crazy stuff

Like the piece played in 4 Helicopters

Or music that is 4 minutes and 33 seconds of silence.

I want to hear the music of a street corner.

I want to hear the music in nothingness

The music in everything.

At the end of the day

Society is extended patterns, rhythms.

It is noise, with and without pitch, melodies.

It is groups of people working together to form a whole, harmonies.

Am I waxing poetic?

Yes

Am I an asshole?

Probably

Do I want to expand my horizons?

Absolutely.

100%

My way forward is through the things

That I once rejected.

Finding the value in things,

I thought were meaningless to me.

Because I bet I was wrong.

Those things might be the most meaningful.

So I will explore,

And I will inevitably think of her,

I am sure she does not do the same of me,

But that is my curse.

It is my burden to bear.

I think I loved her too much.

I think I loved her.

I loved her.

I've never admired that before.