Routine Check Up

Have you been eating?

She thinks, sitting on the counter in her underwear

As steam rises from a bubbling pot of macaroni

It's eleven at night

A few meals have been forgotten

But not enough to worry

Have you been feeling tired? Lethargic?

Yes, frequently

She sleeps when she shouldn't and can't sleep when she needs to

If she skips lunch the caffeine keeping her awake makes her hands shake

She falls asleep on the couch more often than not

She might do that tonight, once dinner is done

Are your periods regular? As regular as they can be, she thinks

Sometimes she forgets to take her medicine

Usually when she forgets to eat

Sometimes she takes it anyway and gets sick

But, when she does it right

She's very regular

Unless there's a full moon

That always seems to throw things off

Are you sexually active?

She sighs and goes to drain the noodle water into the sink

And stir in the bright orange powder that is definitely not dairy

No, and not any time soon

She's recently fallen back into a spiral of trust issues and a need for control

Nobody wants that in a partner

And she won't let anyone close enough to try

Are you on any new medications?

It's all the same, year after year

The highest dosage of antidepressants her body will allow

Making food for herself late at night

Wondering if the doctor thinks she's crazy

Allergy medication, inhaler, vitamin D

Birth control, but only for cramps

Finishing the bowl of mac n cheese

Lactose free except for the butter

But she has pills for that too

Well, it looks like you're in fine health

Not good, but not bad enough for us to do anything

Try sleeping more

And talking to a nutritionist

And going to therapy again

Keep up a routine

But she walks up the stairs

And goes to sleep in her bed

That's a little too big for just one person

Knowing that she can't be fixed

Knowing that the pills are a life long contract

But also a life insurance policy

Knowing that she won't wash dishes in the morning

Knowing that it will be hours before she can sleep

And a lifetime until she can rest

I think I need a better routine