Blackout

I want to forget

What?

I'm not sure

Everyone who never loved me back

Everyone who never will love me back

The disappointment in my mother's eyes every time she looks my way

The trauma

The mental illness

The excuses

The mistakes

The missed chances

The hollow feeling in my chest

I don't know what I want

I don't know what I don't want

Deciding what to do with my evenings has become overwhelming

Do I do my laundry alone

Or read a book alone

Or make mac n cheese alone

Or just order takeout for one

You start to notice who reaches out to you when you can't be right in their face

Physical presence makes you harder to ignore

Harder to forget

And it's blatantly obvious who cares enough to notice you

When you're stuck behind a screen

For a week

For six months

People drop off little by little

Until you're sitting on your floor with an empty bottle of Absolut

Having puked up whatever you had for dinner

Wishing you could wash it down with another drink

So you can forget feeling sick

And forget being forgotten

And unlovable

And and repulsive

And hurt

And afraid

I don't want to make any more choices

When you choose a path, you're responsible for the fallout when the road gets rocky

When everything blows up in your face, people have every right to say

"I told you so"

"I knew it"

"You should've listened"

Responsibility is exhausting

So, instead of making choices

I'll continue to make things difficult

And see how long it takes

Until I can't remember how much it hurts

To feel too much

Please

Let me forget